Our UnexpectED Love Story

There are plenty of lessons that I have learned during my recovery journey. But for some reason, I keep going back to the idea of the power of the word ‘AND’ (https://www.waveback.org/post/the-power-of-and). I have many AND moments when I struggle and progress at the same time. The most significant AND moment happened in December of 2020. Fresh out of the hospital, I was struggling mightily to be a real person again. And at that same time, one of the best things ever happened: I met Matt. At the end of 2020, I was rock bottom AND I was also beginning the happiest relationship I could imagine.

When we started dating, all of my meals were supervised, so I wasn’t allowed to eat alone with Matt. That meant that ALL of our meals together also included my family, or at least my mom, there. Not exactly a typical way to start a relationship! As we all sat down for meals, there was a lot of discussion about my struggles with eating. We were not hiding the fact that I had anorexia and that eating was required, and that sometimes, it was really hard to do. Matt heard all of it. And with all of these conversations, something else happened. Matt realized he had an eating problem too.

About three months into our relationship, Matt finally told me he had an eating disorder too. It was a very emotional moment for us, and a little confusing for me because I had been so focused on my own recovery that I hadn’t seen it at all. Once it was out in the open, we certainly spoke the same language, and I think it’s what made us so much closer and more appreciative of each other’s stories and strengths. We were both climbing back from some very dark places, feeling helpless and lost, AND then we found one another. Meeting Matt changed my life, so I’d like to introduce him to you too.

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In November 2020, Charlotte had just completed her in-patient program, and was struggling to find a source of motivation to keep fighting. I didn’t quite understand it then, but I too was struggling with an eating disorder. The lockdown in the spring of 2020, combined with my need for control and perfection led me to develop restrictive eating habits. I felt guilty and a failure if I didn’t give in to the intrusive thoughts that were pushing me to restrict my eating. The fact is, I had an eating disorder before I even met Charlotte. But it was through my late-night FaceTime calls with Charlotte and having family dinners at her house that I learned so much about Charlotte so quickly. I immediately felt comforted by her story after feeling alone for so long.

However, I still hesitated to admit that I had an eating disorder. Even though I knew Charlotte would have been nothing but supportive, I convinced myself that I didn’t have a problem that warranted help. I mean, I wasn’t that sick that I needed to tell anyone, right? I remember wondering if my struggles were valid, if I could even say I had an eating disorder, just because I had a different, more self-driven recovery process.

I also had my own biases about eating disorders. Sadly, it seemed very common for a girl to struggle with anorexia, even though it’s a very serious and difficult disorder. To me, it felt more unusual and surprising that a boy would have anorexia because I didn’t hear many stories about it. It made it much harder for me to speak up and get the help I needed, but hopefully, our story inspires others to do the same. Eventually, I did open up to Charlotte, and she convinced me to seek professional help. She knew she was not in a place to give me the support I needed, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Looking back on the time before I got help, I’ve realized how easy it is to invalidate your own feelings. I was so hung up on binary definitions of mental health issues, “expected” recovery processes and the underrepresentation of men with EDs that I convinced myself nothing was wrong. I ignored the obvious signs and thought I could handle it on my own when it was clear that I needed help. Later on, I realized my eating disorder was very different from Charlotte’s (both in why it started/how we worked through it). After accepting that different journeys are equally as valid, the recovery process becomes easier and a lot more rewarding. That’s why we feel it is important to share our story.

Our joint-recovery process hasn’t always been easy, particularly in the beginning. We can definitely be there for each other as confidantes and provide moral and emotional support, but we’ve recognized that we should prioritize our own goals and support systems as well. We’ve come to understand what we can and cannot joke about. We always try to be open with each other and let each other know when something is bothering us.

After we set these rules, recovering alongside each other has been so rewarding. Through the easy and hard times, Charlotte’s been there for me and I’ve been there for her. Throughout Charlotte’s recovery, we often empathized with each other when we shared similar thoughts and experiences. I know how tough it is to ignore the pervasive “Eddie” voice, but when she feels strong enough to, it pushes me to do the same. I’m so inspired and proud of Charlotte’s strength, especially for sharing her raw emotion on this blog. I can’t wait to grow alongside my best friend and I think our story is so beautiful.

As National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDA) week comes to a close, we want to recognize that being honest about your struggles is the first and most important step. If you or someone you know is struggling, just know we are here for you. Although it may seem scary, we can both testify that it allows you to live a much more enjoyable and fulfilling life.

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org