It's a wrap

Hi everyone. I have taken a serious break from this blog. There is no reason in particular. It just feels that at least for now, I’ve told my story and given the advice that I had from my experience. It may sound trite, but I am happy to report that I have just been living my life. My mental health is in a good place, my eating is almost independent, and I am so excited for the future ahead of me.

I graduate from high school in less than two months. I have two proms to attend. Beach week. Summer. A job that I really like. COLLEGE. (yay Lehigh!) Everything is super super exciting. But also with that excitement inevitably comes a lot of fear. I'm nervous about how I will look in my prom dress(es). I'm nervous to strut in a bikini at beach week. I'm nervous for summer and I'm especially nervous for the transition to college.

Every day I get stronger, but my ED shows up as soon as I am anticipating something scary. When I have trouble controlling my emotions, I invariably rely on the comfort of ‘Eddie’ to feel better. I know that having Eddie there to exert control and to try to bring me back into the negative thoughts isn't going to help me. And yet, there he is, and I am tempted to restrict my eating as it seems like a good idea, for a hot second. But I very quickly remember that if I restrict my eating, I can't keep up with all the great things that are happening. But I do keep having this inner battle—knowing I want to live a full life, and also, sometimes restricting seems easier than facing the fear.

Although I'm terrified, I'm truly more confident than ever that I can handle these life events and the fear that comes with them. I have been doing so well these last few months. I get uncomfortable admitting to my progress, but I know I have come such a long way and have been making really great strides. In January, I hadn't even thought about having a meal by myself and now every morning I get up and look forward to the time I get to eat breakfast and do the Wordle as I eat yogurt and granola. I no longer come home for lunch or even send pictures of what I am eating to my mom to prove that I am eating. My mom does check in to make sure I’ve eaten if I have been out with friends, but that’s it. If there is something I want to eat when I am with a group, I will just reach across the table and get it. A year ago (even a few months ago) that seemed to be an impossibility!

I know that there will be more challenges ahead, and I will be tested, but the progress I have made is real. I just need to acknowledge that the things ahead of me may be stressful and scary, but it is nothing like what I have already been through, and I can handle it. So I guess I wanted to share how proud I am of myself. I really never thought I could be here two years ago. AND (here comes the power of “and”)…. I want to share that the safety of my routine is about to change AND I’m scared as fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

Needed to get that out.

You may hear from me in the future but for now, I just wanted to say thank you to every person who has taken the time to read my blogs, and to send me texts, dms, and emails to show your support and to also share your stories. I am always here to support others who have similar struggles too. I started this blog to help other people, but it has been such a cathartic part of my healing too.

Xo

Charlotte