2022: Moving forward

As I begin the new year, I can’t help but reflect on 2021. Last year, on New Year’s Eve, I sobbed and sobbed when the clock hit midnight. Not because I was sad of leaving 2020 behind, but just the opposite. It seemed at that moment that I was more than ready to push that year away and start anew. I thought that 2020 was stolen by Eddie and 2021 was the year that Charlotte took it back. I stepped into 2021 determined to become strong and fierce, and get rid of the demons that had taken over my life.

I wish I still had that determination now, as we start 2022. I know it's there. It's just a struggle to find it at the moment. The transition to 2022 wasn't quite as empowering as I had hoped, and I don’t totally understand why. I was fortunate enough to be away with my family on a beautiful island. The trip was just incredible, as it was low stress, with family I love, and celebrating my grandparents’ 80th birthdays. And being able to get away during covid was super special.

But it was also terrifying. I sat in my bikini while eating old fear foods and I drank delicious pina coladas that tasted like milk shakes. Sounds like the life! And for the majority of the time, it was great. It truly felt that I was enjoying life for the first time in a long time. Eddie didn't stop me from wearing a bikini or eating fried donuts with my cousins. It kinda seemed like I had accomplished my 2021 resolution to just live life.

Being carefree came with a price, though. After days of feeling free of Eddie, I crashed. There were a few dinners where I had to excuse myself to pull myself together as I cried with self-doubt. How could I have been walking around in a bikini? How could I be wearing cute little tops and little skirts? Who was I to be sipping cocktails and reaching for dessert? Eddie got very loud in my head, interrupting my fun. He was really mean, and I let him say terrible things to me. Although it was difficult, I worked to bring myself back and continue to have fun each time this happened. A year ago, Eddie’s rants would have ended my night, and put me in a fetal position for hours. It was huge that I could bounce back, and I knew it was okay to have those moments. It was part of the wave of recovery.

On the last night of the trip, which was also the last night of the year, I started to panic. While part of me recognized how far I had come this past year and I was so proud of that, the other part of me actually regretted this recovery. That sounds a little crazy to say out loud but I'm sure those who struggle with EDs know what I'm talking about. Anorexia became such a big part of my life that it is also sadly part of my identity. Once you begin to live with it, it becomes terrifying to learn to live without it.

So, on the last day of 2021, I panicked. I panicked that I had fallen for the recovery ‘crap’. I panicked that Eddie wasn’t as strong anymore. And I panicked that I'm too ‘normal’-- whatever that means. The sick and twisted part of my eating disorder is that no matter how much I hate it, I also don't want to let it go.

And so now as I head full steam into 2022, I realize I need to recalibrate once again. I acknowledge that I have come so far and I am proud of myself for enjoying my vacation. And having a break from Eddie, however brief those breaks were, was really nice. And 2022 is the year that I will go to college and I will fight for ‘normal’ every single day so that living on a college campus is a reality for me. I will continue to work hard, very hard, with my professional team, with my family, and with myself, to continue separating my identity from anorexia. Stay tuned.